anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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