Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
