Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
