I think my vagina is haunted
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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