so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
