was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
