im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
