im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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