Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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