My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
