I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
