I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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