my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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