That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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