she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
