I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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