no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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