I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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