I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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