i permit you to call me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
