Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
