I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
