Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
