I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
