This is not my ceiling
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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