nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
