end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
