You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
