Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
