In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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