a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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