Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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