$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
