You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
