Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
