I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
