Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And then my night got REAL pukey
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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