He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
