I molested 6 butterflies tonight
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
