k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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