There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
