twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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