Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
