I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
