Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
