Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
