Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
