I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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