I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
