I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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