Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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